there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
You Might Also Like
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.