My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
You Might Also Like
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Practicing safe sax
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!