Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
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I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time