*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
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Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.