Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
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Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Mornin
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
lol
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES