[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
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It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
These are my roll models.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now