[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
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i installed a ceiling fan in my room
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Lmaoo 😂
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.