My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
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so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?