Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
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why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My love language is deader than Latin
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
be careful
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
#NeverForget
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”