There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
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5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’