*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
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Catering service
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Last-minute gift idea!
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.