just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
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You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks