*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
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CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.