My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
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Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.