The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
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I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast