Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
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Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie