Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
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Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.