Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
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The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”