dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
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I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
meow
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.