[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
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Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.