Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
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THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
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“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now