I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
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Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
When I grow up, I want to be 16
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.