Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
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When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…