I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
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My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby