God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
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BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants