My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
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Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I feel seen.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Investing in beetcoin
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
time for some seasonal decor
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.