[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
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Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table