4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
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What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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