My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
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If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.