Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
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Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
That’s enough internet for the day
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
@ candidates for local office
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.