Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
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You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I’m not lazy
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child