Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
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My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Ron is short for Aaronald
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea