Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
happy valentine’s day to me
Damn what did I do next
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.