If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
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*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!