How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
You Might Also Like
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.