PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
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[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Never ghost your hitman.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute