Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
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I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
somewhere, in an alternate universe
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.