What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
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[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations