There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
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I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
crying
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.