If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
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The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Woke up against my better judgment again
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
U talkin 2 me?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.