Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
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your elf on the shelf was delicious
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.