An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
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Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo