you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.