Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
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i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.