ok like just. call me at this point
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Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is