[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
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It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy