With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
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She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶