If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
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If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.