Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
The first one, obviously
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.