My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
You Might Also Like
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.